anger

Hell Hath No Fury...

Love and Rage

Love and Rage

Do you know what the feeling is like to know that the person you love (or loved) is in love with someone else and has been lying to you for God knows how long? Do you know what it is like to drive over to your best friend’s house and have them tell you that they have not one but three people who can confirm this? Do you know what it’s like to then have your partner, who only hours ago you were talking to and flirting with, disappear,  because he so desperately wants to control the situation and cannot handle the realness of what is happening?

I saw him hugging, snuggling and kissing her on a boat on 4th of July earlier this year. I snapped because we had just had sex the night before and although were supposedly broken up, we really weren’t. I told him that I never wanted him to talk to her again. Her name was the name. Her name was the name that came out of his mouth yesterday when he said he had struck up a “friendship” with her at the gym. I lost my breath. That’s how we met. That’s what he said about me for months. The questions and my breath quickened; rapid fire and non stop. My fingers were sending texts and pressing “call” on repeat. 10 times. 15 times. Fuck, I'm that girl. No response.

He is in Florida right now, and I remember FaceTiming him a year ago when he there; we talked about what this new year would bring and how we were going to build this beautiful life together. But it was anything but. That is the thing with a narcissist; they are so good, you don’t even know it’s happening until you’re drowning. 

“She’s going to Florida to meet him” the text came in last night from my friend (all confirmed through reputable sources). “They’ve been dating for at least two months, if not longer. She’s telling her friends that their going to get married and they’re in love”. Cracking, breaking, the earth splitting open for what feels like an unending period of time. Still no response from him; except to tell me how I was being out of control. Uh, yeah you bet your fucking ass I’m out of control. But that is unacceptable and he won’t speak to me until he, ahem, they return on Saturday.

I never understood the old cliche “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” until yesterday. Until that moment I heard her name. Until I felt that visceral pain in my body like it was being shot, my skin and organs being shredded. I feel anger like I’ve never experienced before, I’ve acted in ways that are out of my body. The level of betrayal and dismissal from someone only a day ago said “I love you babe”. Disposable like I never mattered to him. Everything is being run through a sieve: lie or truth? lie or truth?

People wonder how smart, beautiful, confident women stay in bad, emotionally abusive relationships. It happens everywhere, and almost every woman has a story (or two). This was/is particularly devastating and I don’t have enough space right now to process and share everything, but this man is smart and calculating to a degree I’ve never witnessed. I do have enough clarity to know that I am not the crazy one, I did not expect too much (or anything actually), I only loved without logic. 24 hours ago my world changed in a way that I honestly didn’t ever foresee. He promised me he would never hurt me. He promised me we would be together. He promised me a partner, a lover, a life, babies, adventure and love. He promised everything that I wanted to hear. And he left me with a dial tone.