This morning as I got ready for vinyasa, I was looking at myself in my floor length mirror, as usual, trying not to notice any perceived physical flaws. I knew I was craving yoga and the dose of self-esteem I always receive when completing a practice. I was heading out early, thinking I wouldn’t see anyone I knew, so I didn’t do anything extra (as basic as they come for a Sunday morning). I actually had some eyeliner smudge still under my eye--a classy, and classic look, if I’ve ever seen one.
Per usual, I got there about 20 minutes ahead of time. I like to meditate, stretch and claim my queen spot at the top of the class. My practice has gotten so much stronger in the last few months as I’ve focused back internally. I haven’t thought of him much lately, but sometimes when I’m in this studio, his image flashes in my head. We used to practice here together. I brought him here. ‘Breathe it out’ I said,‘*Put your crown on, he belongs to the past and that is where I bless him and ask him to stay.”
As I continue to stretch I turn my head to the right and unexpectedly meet his eyes, just briefly. It was as if the mere memory of our past had materialized him into the room. He shoots me an obligatory half smile and I automatically turn my head in the other direction. “Fuck,” I mouth silently to myself. I haven’t laid eyes on him in almost 6 months. He puts his mat behind mine, a little to the right. ‘There is the whole big, empty room,’ I think, ‘and he is posting up right there?’ Breathe, I say. Breathe, send love and release.
I went inward, asking for my strength to be present, asking for my spirit to be powerful and for my guides to be vigilant. I felt a space clear around me and I sat up, looked myself hard in the eyes and silently repeated my mantra, “I love you Nikki”. It was in that moment, as I allowed my eyes to land on his mat for a split second, that I realized what a shift had occurred inside me. I didn’t feel anxiety or sadness; not longing or anger. Like a person who existed only in your dreams; a hazy memory, just out of reach as the sun begins to rise. I can remember loving you and knowing you, yet as we share this physical space, I feel no surge of that now.
I had anticipated when we would run into one another, as exes inevitably do; I would've looked gorgeous, perfect, and preferably, would have a total fox with me. I would’ve felt vindicated, pity and complete closure. The Universe plotted otherwise. We collided where we first met, on our mats; how poetic.
I was stripped down, sweaty, vulnerable and alone. No defenses at my ready. And, I felt as if I was standing in my complete power in that moment. Everytime I lifted my head throughout that hour, I looked myself directly in the eyes and held a steady gaze. It was better than I imagined, because he started to fade into the backdrop. I stopped seeing him, or even feeling his presence. I remember once he had told me that the goal after a break up is to feel absolutely nothing for your ex, then you know you’ve “won”. I don’t care much about winning or how I feel towards him; what I do care about is what I experience when I meet my own eyes in the mirror. And by the end of class, I had a ridiculously giddy smile on my face. I was completely free.
I had prayed for a miracle to untether me from him. Today was the day that I was able to graciously realize that my prayer had been answered. I sent up so much gratitude during savasana for this gift. I sent him love and I sent myself love.
When I was in the middle of that hurricane, I couldn’t have imagined a day where I would’ve experienced this and yet here I am. A Course in Miracles teaches us that “...forgiveness is the only gift I give because it is the only gift I want. And everything I give, I give myself”. I have repeated and practiced daily forgiveness and giving it to God. Turns out that this actually works. I have forgiven myself for the transgressions I committed against my spirit and I have atoned for those. He just happens to be a byproduct of that forgiveness and I am happy about that.
Our final chapter had been written and the closure that I thought I needed was just waiting for me to pick it up (like spiritual dry-cleaning). The Universe had conspired enough for today, and as we rolled up our mats and made our exit, I felt calmness in my heart. There was no drama and no gestures. I hardly noticed him getting up to leave. My focus was on me, on the joy I felt rising in my body. Miracles do happen, I thought. Everyday and in the slightest of moments. Just keep your eyes up and your heart open, and mini and mighty, they will appear. They are meant for all of us.
*’Put your crown on’ is an adaptation of a quote from James Baldwin “Our crown has already been bought and paid for. All we have to do is wear it”
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