Self Awareness

I Am A Force

Today I had the first glimmer of my old self. I woke up this morning and although I was still hit initially with the pain, it subsided more quickly. I actually slept last night. I actually ate yesterday. I’ve been hearing messages from my helpers and guides about this relationship and what it means for me. That it is a launchpad. A divine gift. It was a traumatic force that made me wake up. I have choice again. Detoxing from him will take some time, and I can already feel the love in my heart return. I have more compassion for what I traversed. I’m remembering who I am without him.

My higher self, my divine awareness is flickering back on. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend and laughed last night. I teared up knowing my best friend is having her baby today. I am making plans to travel, move, create. These are bits of me that I put on a shelf to create as much space as possible for him. It is beginning to stop being about him, finally, and starting to be about me.

I don’t pretend that I’m okay yet, because I’m not. I am forever changed. I wept for most of yesterday, on and off. It feels like a Great Purge. Sobs leaving my body. His energy that still feels like it is in me, on me, lives in my space, escaping with each tear or breath released. He infiltrated my life, my head, my heart. You don’t just move on, you have feel it. I have to feel it. I have to experience this in order to walk away completely. I can’t numb it nor do I want to. I want to feel my truth. Also, smudging helps :)

I have been reading a lot about people who treat others like this and how it affects their “victims”. I dislike that word greatly. It implies powerlessness and meekness. I am neither. Anyone who has ever met me knows that I am a force. Never down for long. A nurturer and a protector. A seeker. Resilient AF. I called in this experience with this man for a reason. I needed him to illustrate something for me. I allowed myself to accept pain from another person and called it love. Make no mistake, though-I accepted it. I welcomed it. He mirrored for me the emptiness in myself that I get to heal.

The idea of betrayal is one of the most archetypal stories on our planet; a person you trusted and loved abuses those sacred feelings and forces you into one of the darkest moments of your life (basically every Disney movie ever). The darkness demands that you examine yourself and what you are capable of. You either crumble or rise; you redefine faith and self. You shed the old beliefs of limits and step into the version of you that you were always destined for. This is Universal. This is mine and I am grateful for it.

For myself, for my clients, for anyone who reads this--the power in this story is not about how he ruined me. Because he didn’t. It is about the Rise. It is about the fucking Holy Rise from true darkness. That is my truth today and I’m sending you all true love on your own journey on your own Rise.


Current resources that I am leaning on and highly recommend:

"She Who Fears Suffering Is Already Suffering From Her Fears"


I used to suffer from incredibly anxiety; as in, it would stop me from going into a crowded coffee shop or restaurant. I would stand outside and look in the windows, look at the lines, get anxious that I didn’t know how their ordering system worked, or what I wanted, or worried that I would look stupid in front of strangers if I messed something up. I remember distinctly walking into Turtle Bread Company on 48th and Chicago, standing in line and have this panic feeling set in, where I needed to just get out. I told my boyfriend at the time I had to leave immediately; at the time, I had no awareness of what was going on with me, just that I was growing increasingly uncomfortable on a more regular basis. 


Photo by  Rob Bye  on  Unsplash

Photo by Rob Bye on Unsplash

This has happened to me before in my life, and I’ve brushed it off as being a little high maintenance, perhaps with an element of perfectionism thrown in. This time made me take pause; I had never experienced that moment of panic before, and it scared me. This was at a point in my life where I was not nearly as enlightened or had even a 1/4 of the self awareness that I have today. All I knew was that something in my head had to change; I had to stop giving into this panic and fear that was starting to drive my decisions in a fight or flight way.

There was a conversation I had with my dad when I was decided whether or not to go to graduate school; as we were talking, I realized that many of the decisions I had made up until that point had been driven out of fear or “safety” (not all, but a lot): the college I went to, the job I took after I graduated college, the decision I made to stay in Minneapolis rather than move to Chicago, and on. I didn’t want to do that anymore; that wasn’t my path. I wasn’t a “safe” person; I was/am a woman who wanted to do things with my life, not hide from it. 

Many people, including a lot of the clients that I work with, struggle with pushing past this initial fear or anxiety, to see what lies across the ravine for them. Making the more daring choice, or the more exciting choice, comes with a natural anxiety because you don’t know what to expect. There isn’t a road map or guarantees; and that belief that we need to know, that predictability equals better, is a fallacy. 

In that moment, after hanging up the phone with my dad, I made two decisions 1.) I was going to do my best to start making decisions out of opportunity and purpose, even though the fear was still there, and 2.) Limiting beliefs had started to create narrow parameters on my life, and I was going to start to knock them down, and reach for new, fluid and better fitting beliefs that allowed opportunities to show up for me.

When I share with clients my “secrets” for changing their mind set, I am often met with resistance and the rebuttal “Yeah, but it’s just not that easy”; as if this is a valid reason to not do important work in life. I’ve been in that place of not knowing the “hows” but just knowing that I desire something greater than I currently have. The simplicity about approaching your fear and anxiety is that it is a very easy decision to make: do you want to make choices in your life based in fear or based in hope? You decide; and if you choose hope, the Universe will show up. And if you choose fear, than I can tell you that nothing will change. Make no mistake though, this is an active choice; you are not a victim in life, you always have the choice of perspective. 

Victim or Heroine....Victim or Heroine?????

Victim or Heroine....Victim or Heroine?????


For those of you are making the choice to get in the current of change and stop paddling upstream, keep reading. The idea of doing one thing a day that, “scares you” is not something I invented, only something that I used and found great success with. I still do today; this is an important piece of the process, realizing that this isn’t something you do once and your done. This is a new way of life, living in courage—which means noticing the fear and doing it anyways. Courage doesn’t mean choosing the easy way, it means choosing the path least travelled and, although fear might be your travel companion, it is not holding the map.